End of the Third Trimester Rant–Dedicated to those of you with crappy pregnancies

It’s been QUITE a while since I have blogged, and I wish my excuse was better than being pregnant because, quite honestly, I’m sick of that being my explanation for everything.  I know, I know, at 35 weeks most EVERY woman is saying she is DONE.  Well, I’m REALLY DONE.  Like, I already have permanent birth control methods picked out to discuss with my doctor…my husband and I are POSITIVE we NEVER want me to be preggers again…I’m counting down the days…the excitement has worn off…I just want to get to labor and delivery.  (I’m one of those weirdos that is not scared or bothered by labor and delivery–on the contrary, I can’t WAIT for that part.)

I happened across the What to Expect When You’re Expecting movie this weekend and decided to watch.  If you are pregnant, watch it because it will make you feel better regardless of how awesome or bad your pregnancy has been because one of the characters is you.  I really connected to Elizabeth Banks’ character Wendy, especially when she says, “I just wanted the glow. The one that they promise you on the cover of those magazines. Well, I’m calling it – pregnancy sucks. Making a human being is really hard. I have no control over my body or my emotions.”  That’s me.  I look at those pregnancy magazines and give those women the finger and say, “Fuck you” because it makes me feel better about being miserably pregnant.  And, I’ve also decided that I’m not going to sugar-coat my experience because, you know what, I’m not alone and neither are any of the other women who have had not-fun pregnancies.  

One very, very, very good friend of mine had a not-fun pregnancy–constantly nauseous and unable to eat, tired, couldn’t sleep, and all we could do was support each other.  Now she has the cutest little boy, a little brother for her older son, but she’s questioning whether or not she can physically do it again, especially after two c-sections.  Just two weeks ago I found out another very good friend is pregnant, but very few people knew because there were some extenuating circumstances (which are now a non-issue thankfully).  She called me, though, because she is horribly, miserably sick and needed to talk to someone who would understand; her local friends can’t understand because they have the awesome pregnancies and are all glowing.  It’s just not fair.  I wish I could have reached through the phone to give her the biggest of hugs because I get it.  I get being so thankful and feeling so blessed, but wondering why on Earth I got knocked up because I can’t leave the bathroom because I might puke all over the house; I get having no appetite and losing weight and having the doctor tell you to eat.  You know what, doctor, I’m doing the best I can.  I get having to take medication just so you can get through the day but then cursing said medication because it causes headaches and horrific constipation.  How many of you are with me?  All I can do is reassure her it’s all worth it and that her glowing friends will get theirs–they’ll either have rough labor or the child that comes out screaming and doesn’t stop.  Pregnancy karma–it exists :).

Pregnancy can really, really suck and it really blows that women don’t talk about it.  I was completely unprepared for the reality of pregnancy with BOTH of my pregnancies.  And the crazy thing is that I was sick the first time around and voluntarily did it again (hoping this pregnancy would be different–it is different all right, I’m even sicker…).  Growing another human being is a beautiful, amazing, miraculous thing but DAMN is it HARD!  Especially when you have no control over anything anymore.
  
So, with no further ado and in no particular order, this is the shitty stuff that gets hidden amongst the exciting stuff about having a baby (if you don’t want to know, stop reading here–it’s mildly graphic, gets personal, and uses fowl language because I have no filter anymore):
     1.  Sleeping–first, you sleep A LOT because you’re just exhausted.  Peeing makes you tired.  Then, all of a sudden, you get a belly and you NEVER REALLY SLEEP AGAIN.  I miss being able to lay down for more than two hours at a time.  And don’t get me started on trying to get comfortable–once that baby has taken over, comfortable is not a recognizable word in any pregnant woman’s vocabulary.
     2. Using the bathroom–oh my, oh my, oh my…the baby makes you constipated, medication makes you constipated, and the constipation brings on hemorrhoids, and then if you’re really lucky, you get to give yourself an enema (or two or three) because a week without pooping for anyone is just not fun.  And then, once that’s taken care of because you’ve eaten Whole Foods out of fiber, there’s sharting.  In public.  Enough said.
     2a. Then there’s pee–it never ends!  At night before bed, for whatever reason, I’ll go every 15 minutes.  No joke.  The Daddy Man just looks at me, laughs, and says, “Already?!”  Yes, fucking already 🙂  And then, at night, every two-three hours I pee, and that’s if I cut off liquids at a decent time.
      2b. Incontinence–I’ve been doing my Kegals since I read one of those ridiculous make-sex-better-for-him Cosmo articles when I was 18 and thought I was oh-so-awesome and sophisticated (hind sight is 20/20…) and they have done NOTHING for me this pregnancy.  I cough, I pee.  I sneeze, I pee.  Baby kicks my bladder, I pee.  Do we see a pattern here?  There is no control.  Now, I will say that this is my second pregnancy and this wasn’t NEARLY as BIG a problem as it is this time.  But this time it’s just stupid ridiculous how I have to either wear super overnight pads all day every day, or I end up changing my underwear at least 3 times a day (wearing pantyliners anyways…). 
     3.  Boobs–Winter in Chicago is COLD.  EVERY time I shiver, my boobs HURT and that pain is a lingering, stinging, burning pain.  AND it’s not limited to just my breasts, but the nipples too.  And can we say, “WTF?!” when it comes to the nipples–I remember seeing the nipples of Playboy models and thinking they looked like pencil erasers and wondering why mine didn’t…you know, one of those “Are you there, God?  It’s me, Margaret” moments.  Now it’s more like, “Are you there, God?  It’s me, Jacki.  You can have them back now, I’m really done and I now understand why I didn’t have them in the first place.  Thank you, but no.”
     4.  Stretch marks–all the books, they lie.  Stretch marks are hereditary and no matter what you use, if your mother had them, you’ll have them.  Period.  It blows.  No more midriff-revealing bathing suits for this mommy…looks like it’s going to be boy shorts and tee-shirts at the pool this summer….
     5.  Nausea–Fuck nausea.  If I am lucky enough to NEVER feel nauseous again, I will stop cursing like a truck driver FOR-EV-ER.  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I was actually in the ER not once, but TWICE because I couldn’t stop puking AND I was hospitalized for a night and was too close to having a feeding tube than I have ever wanted to be.  HG–Hyperemesis Gravidarum–is NO joke and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  Nausea SUCKS and with all the other crap we have to deal with, do we REALLY have to deal with this too?!  I mean, come on…24/7?!  Honestly, I think the only people who truly understand how that feels are cancer patients having chemotherapy, and I mean that in all seriousness with no joking intended AT ALL.  And the reason I think this is because one of a sick pregnant woman’s helpers is Zofran, an anti-emetic (something to make you not puke) that is also given to chemo patients.  ***Now, please don’t think I am at all comparing pregnancy to cancer and chemo–people who suffer from such terrible diseases and have to fight for their lives deserve to be given anything that will make them feel better.  The only thing nausea and puking did for me this pregnancy is help me get out of a $120 speeding ticket…If I was actually funny and clever, I’d put together a spoof song to Kesha’s “Blow” and call it “Puke” and reference the need to carry puke bags in your purse and in your car and using Jack Daniels as mouthwash to kill the puke smell and how every time I puke I make it rain pee…was that over the line?  I don’t know anymore…
     6.  The Belly–Whether it’s your first pregnancy or your fifth, the belly is ALWAYS an attraction that seemingly everyone thinks is okay to touch without asking.  I mean, come on, I’d walk right up to someone and touch their goiter–wouldn’t you?  Uh, NO.  I don’t know what goes through a perfect stranger’s mind when she walks right up to your belly and puts her hands all over it…I don’t know where your hands have been!  I have a toddler at home who kisses my belly!  I don’t want strange germs in my home!  Don’t be that asshat–at least have the decency to ask first…And then there are the people who think it’s TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE to comment on your size and shape.  You know what?  I have two middle fingers pointed at that overweight woman next to me in the elevator who is telling me I look “ripe” while I tell you to go fuck yourself and to take the stairs next time.  As I’m writing this, I’m realizing I have a lot of pregnant friends right now and this is a common problem among all of them.  One of my college friends has had multiple people ask her if she’s SURE she’s not having twins because she’s SOOOOOO BIG.  Um, take our word for it when we tell you the FIRST TIME, douchebag.  Recently, I found out a west coast friend is expecting in late June–she looks fabulous, but of course, the “lady in the elevator” has to ask her if she’s having twins!  Really?!  Sometimes I hate people.  I don’t want to leave out the other side of this issue, though, which is when you don’t gain a lot of weight.  Having gained 65 pounds with The Robug, I had to deal with the “Twins?  Are you sure?” crew.  This time, because of being soooooooooo sick and having absolutely no appetite 90% of the time, I’ve only gained 16 pounds.  Now, go ahead and call me a bitch–Jacki O. pregnant with Robug is calling is Jacki O. a bitch.  I still get talked to by the doctors, but now it’s for not gaining enough.  And then, there are the “Oh my, is everything okay with the baby?” people who tell me how small I look.  Thanks, thanks so much for making me feel like I’m failing at being pregnant this time and putting irrational fears into my head.  You know what, everything is measuring right on and he’s a happy little Jedi in there, so shut the fuck up.  As pregnant women, what does society expect us to look like because, quite honestly, I’m confused.  We either look soooooooooo big or tooooooooo small.  We’re either carrying twins (whether we know it or not) or something is wrong with the baby.  Screw them.
7.  TMI–goes out the window entirely when your pregnant.  There is no modesty, there is no inappropriate.  My college friend gave me the greatest smoothie recipe for constipation because we exchanged multiple messages about our inability to poop.  I’m scaring my best friend since high school with all my pregnancy woes.  I’ve compared stretch marks, I’ve talked about post-breastfeeding boobs (a WHOLE other topic) with multiple people (don’t ask…).  We are walking, talking science experiments and can’t help but talk about our effects and results.

Did I miss anything?  I’m sure–please feel free to add your comments below and keep the conversation going!  So, to all my sister look-like-Bella-Swan-pregnant-with-a-vampire-baby pregnant ladies, I’m sitting here with my super-sized water raised to you in honor of the SHIT we deal with to bring a single, beautiful, always-worth-it miracle into this “WTF?!” world.

Yours in the countdown until I can eat again.

63 thoughts on “End of the Third Trimester Rant–Dedicated to those of you with crappy pregnancies

  1. Love it! I totally hear you on the sleeping thing…it was exactly as you said, all of the sudden there was this belly and now I can’t sleep…or I finally manage to roll over and get maybe a little comfortable and then I have to pee. Then if it’s not that, it’s the crazy crazy dreams… *sigh*

    And can I add two things?

    First, holy heartburn batman! I don’t think I had ever known heartburn before, but now I have gone through more super ultra extra strength tums than I’d care to count, and it sucks because I looooove spicy food, but forget that now, AND it’s not just food, sometimes it’s that I didn’t eat enough, or I ate too much, or maybe I just bent over to pick something up and BAM…

    Second, WTF world? Just because I am pregnant does NOT mean you get to call me “momma” as in “How are you today, momma?” I mean, first of all, this is my first pregnancy, so I’m NOT actually a momma yet, and second, even if I was a momma, I’m not YOUR momma, and I have an identity and a name (which I’m actually quite fond of) apart from the whole gestating a human thing, so can we please treat me as if I am a person and not just a placeholder for a person that is not even BORN yet?!? I think the Bloggess put it best when she said “unless you came out of my lady garden you don’t get to call me mom”

    *rant over*

    I also have a good story about the strangers touching your belly–My dear friend who is amazing was pregnant with her 3rd and in the grocery store with her 2 other kids, who were acting up, or maybe more appropriately, acting as toddlers do in a grocery store at the end of the day, and some random (overweight) woman comes up to her and starts to reach her hand out to touch my friend’s pregnant belly, my friend sees this and frustrated and hassled she decides she will do the same to the woman. Seeing that my friend was about the touch her, the woman retracted her hand and gave my friend a horrified look, to which my friend responded “what, is that not appropriate?” and then walked away. HA, love that so much.

    Anyway, this post was great, hang in there, hopefully you will have a 3 week early baby and then you can be DONE DONE DONE!

    1. Hahaha!!! I *should* have grabbed her back! If I wasn’t so focused on not killing her, maybe I would have. LoL … At least now I can prepare pregnant friends with a very effective counter-offensive. Hilarious!!

  2. Jacki O., I just met you, but I love you SOOOO hard right now! Thank you for saying this. I love my three babies (yes, did it a third time – gah!!! what was I thinking?!), but each time was it’s own special exercise in horrible. And different horrible each time, so I couldn’t ever really be *prepared* for it. Fantastic!! The thing that surprised me the third time (besides having crossed the date line into “advanced maternal age” … um, thx, I can still HEAR you! can you pick a different term?!) was the RAGE I seemed to feel – constantly. I mean, I was ready to throw down with anyone, at anytime, for *ANY* reason. (My poor hubby!!) Like PMS crankiness cranked up to a zillion. And it was so bizarre because I could still think with my conscious brain, but then the RAGE would kick in and I’d literally have to remind myself that it was not okay to scratch people’s eyes out. (Like the barely-acquaintance woman who gave me the double-handed belly grab at 15 weeks. Excuse me? That gut you’re grabbing? That’s all ME lady. So hands off the lard!!) And I’d be proud of myself when checking in with my girlfriend each week to let her know I hadn’t KILLED anyone … and that this was seriously a positive. (And by no means a guarantee!) But now the little man is here & just as charming and adorbz as could be … and I’m (thankfully!) back to my standard non-violence level. And I’m never going to be pregnant again. AMEN!!

  3. This made my night, maybe my week. Oh my goodness. I had the lovely game of are you fat or are you pregnant when I was in public. Yeah, I am overweight and no this formula, bottles, stroller and all the other baby gear in my babies r us cart is not for a friend’s baby. You would think the cashiers at babies r us would have some brains. It is a miracle no pregnant lady has gone postal at a babies r is,

    I was on bed rest for 8 long miserable weeks. I never had the pregnancy glow. I broke my foot while pregnant. I was rear ended on the day we found out we were having a girl. My labor was horrific and ended up in a c-section which was the easiest art of the whole thing.

    Man, why did I tell my husband I wanted another baby today? LOL

    1. LOL, I’m so glad I made you smile! Babies r Us is a horrible place and I hate it–I always feel on display and the people there have NO IDEA about any of the products they carry…and could they have any more shit?! I took me three trips there to finish my registry the first time around because I was entirely overwhelmed…I, too, am waiting for the day when a pregnant woman in there goes berserk and starts taking people out with a puffies-powered machine gun or something…God bless you for even thinking you would get pregnant again–bed rest, broken foot, and a car accident…I would have killed someone. And then a c-section to end it all–you are my hero. Good luck with another one :)!

  4. You really made me laugh! I’m currently growing baby #4, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, now that I’ve reached 36 weeks (officially full term! Woo-hoo!!). This is my first girl (HOLY SHIT this makes me happy!!!), and I have to say… Thank GOD this pregnancy has gone better than the last two! Baby #3 was the worst pregnancy ever! I had such horrendous sciatic nerve pain from my crotch to my feet, that I literally cried when I had to get out of bed to go pee. And we all know how many times we do that every night. I was in such constant pain the last month that I begged my midwife to induce me… Obviously she said no. I was never going to have any more babies… NEVER. But then, I got divorced 5 years ago, and 3 years ago I met my soul mate (damn him for not having any kids!! Lol!), so even though my inner self said “WTF are thinking!!??” I decided to have one more. Like I said, this has been a walk through the tulips compared to #2 and 3… But I completely understand how incredibly awful pregnancy can be. I feel for all of you!!

    Can I complain about one thing though?? If one more person gives me the evil stink eye while I am ordering my daily Starbucks I am going to kick them in the shins!! I CAN FREAKING HAVE CAFFEINE!!! Damn, at this point I could drink 12 cups a day and it wouldn’t do anything negative to my baby… except maybe put me in labor. Hmmm… Now theres an idea!

    1. You will love having a girl! And, despite the fact that I puked again last night, I’m glad to hear you’re pregnancy has been better 🙂 I, for one, do not have the balls to EVER roll the dice again, lol. And go ahead and complain away! I love Mountain Dew and get the evil eye any time someone sees me with it. Drink up that Starbucks, girl–the only reason I’m not behind you in line is that coffee makes me sick. Good luck and best wishes for a great labor and delivery!

    1. I’m just kidding. I hear my wife saying a lot of this stuff too. Your blog made me laugh. Especially the part about sharting in public!! Loved “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

    2. You are entirely correct, it is VERY tough on the husbands–in my calmer and more rational moments, I thank my husband profusely and tell him how wonderful he is because he has been there for every moment and has picked up all my slack. The awesome husbands who also live through this deserve some praise 🙂 I’m glad I made you laugh, and congrats and good luck to you and your wife!

  5. I had the HG too and if one more person had said “have you tried saltines?” I would have kicked them in the fucking teeth…if I’d have had the strength! I lost 28lbs and boy did I get a lot of compliments on how great I looked. My skin was so dry it was flaking off in chunks and the 5 Lifesavers a day I could eat combined with all the stomach acid was threatening to give me meth mouth! 17 days without taking a shit was fantastic and sticking your hand up your ass to drag out a few rock sized turds was a real highlight every few days. My sweet girl is 6 but my pregnancy with her is always fresh in my memory.great article and fabulous comments. I could go on for days about how much pregnancy sucked but you guys so eloquently covered the major highlights!

    1. Saltines made me sick! It’s amazing how dumb people can be…Bless you for going through that–I don’t think I should complain anymore because mine was not as bad as yours. The only thing that I can use as any kind of solace is that being so horrifically ill makes us appreciate our kids and our decision to not have any more that much more special 🙂 Thank you for sharing and for reading!

  6. Great article. Thanks for making me laugh about the negatives. I would’ve added vaginal vericose veins! That’s what I had to deal with on top of the all day nausea. The pain was so bad and chronic some days all I could do was just cry. On other days I could barely walk and my 15 yr old stepson, bless his kind heart, had to help me get out of bed and walk down the hall. I have the cutest pudgiest boy now that I love with all my heart. (But, yes we are done. Two boys and a beautiful daughter.) =)
    Sister-in-arms,
    Shauna

    1. Thank you so much! Laughing at the negatives is all I can do to cope 🙂 And honey, oh my God, I am so sorry–I have only read about vaginal varicose veins and have thanked the Good Lord that I haven’t experienced them. I cannot even imagine and I bow down to you. You have earned being done for sure 🙂 Congrats on your wonderful, hard-earned family!

  7. Man the boob thing, I knew boobs were supposed to hurt but the nipples?! And coughing hurts what the hell! I’m hoping 2nd trimester will cool down but I kinda doubt it

    1. I know! When it started I couldn’t do anything but throw my hands up and say, “REALLY?!” Hang in there, it totally sucks but will be totally worth it. In the mean time, I have found that thicker padded bras have helped.

    1. 35 weeks?! Ugh, I’m RIGHT there with you and I’m sure we both agree: Never Again. You are very welcome for the honesty and thank you for reading and responding 🙂 I hope you’re enjoying your son!

  8. I started out a happy, glowing, pregnant lady everyone complimented…alas, rant continued, week 37 brought on the “out of the nowhere” anus hemorrhoid and to go with it, just to mix things up a bit, the diarrhea. Two weeks of coexisting with my hemorrhoid and I can’t sit or wipe. On top of that, although I tell baby daddy almost everything, when I attempted the subject, he made a face like “please don’t tell me more”, and looked like I just came out of an “Alien” movie. Thanks buddy, surprise, I’m human! The small belly subject comes up all the time, also. What do they expect, it’s not a baby elephant in there! Ok I need a nap now…

    1. What’s with that?! I love how one day we’re fine and the next day a vineyard is falling out of our asses…and the guys just think it’s either funny or gross. It’ll be them one day and we’ll just laugh and laugh…if you have a boppy, sit on that, it makes it sooooooooo much more comfortable. Good luck with your baby and take that nap, girl, I’ll meet you there 🙂

  9. Oh the reflux! I had it with both and was prescribed something like zantac…but sweet Jesus if I forgot that little pill ANYTHING and EVERYTHING gave me heartburn that had me feeling like a damn fire-breathing dragon beast. Oh and the name thing! Wtf is it with people thinking they can sway you to name YOUR kid what they want you to?! You get ask those freaking relatives talking about how great their name is, yeah like I want to name my kid after some conceited jackass. Ugh, people truly don’t get it. I remember telling my husband if one more person touched my belly without asking, I would be having our kid in jail while serving time for VERY aggravated assault!

    1. Ugh, on top of everything else, to have to take a prescription for heartburn…that just blows. And the naming thing–I love how you put it: naming the kid after a “conceited jackass”–excellent! People suck, pregnancy sucks, and why do we have to deal with it all, lol! I’m glad you didn’t end up in jail 🙂

  10. Ish. My second pregnancy went for 41weeks, 6days this past summer…one of the hottest summers on record. I was massive, and so f’ing miserable. I had perma-swotch, swoobs, swack, you name it, I was sweating there constantly. When the baby was born, my midwife and husband and the nurse were all ‘What is it?! Boy or girl!!??’ And I screamed ‘I DON’T CARE!!!!’ I was just so pumped to get it the fuck out of me. It’s never how you imagine it will be…

  11. Jacki O, this was a delightful read. What really gets me is that most of the people breaking these rules are moms! Don’t they remember how sensitive we feel about certain things?

    I am at the end of my 7th month and have yet to gain much weight at all because early on in my pregnancy, I developed a fun little allergy to all things dairy. PUKE CITY. I have to monitor the ingredients of EVERYTHING I come in contact with, avoid things completely, or cook from scratch–which is SO MUCH FUN since I can no longer stand for more than 10 minutes without having all of the aches and pains in my back and feet start up. And then there’s the racing heart that someone mentioned earlier, hot flashes (am I the only one getting these??), and my unrelenting anger. Anger! Who knew?? It’s about as constant as my nausea was during my first trimester! All I have to say is, my husband is a saint for being so wonderful to me.

    Now I forgot what my point was.

    This is my first kid, but she might also be my last!

    1. Thank you very much, Aja! And tell me about it–these women just don’t remember or something because they are so inappropriate! Just because you’re done doesn’t mean you get to rub it in that we’re not…bitches. And, I am so sorry you developed a dairy allergy–wtf?! I’ve never even heard of that–totally and completely unfair. Thank you for reminding me about the anger, lol! Last pregnancy I was all lovey and sensitive and weepy–this pregnancy I have everyone and everything all the time and it’s even worse because my filter is gone. The husbands are awesome and quite smart for realizing they need to just roll with it. This one is DEFINITELY my last one 🙂

    2. oh man Aja, I am totally with you on the hot flashes! I actually called my mom and apologized for being such an obnoxious teenager when she was going through menopause…

  12. HG with my first – and only, because of HG! I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy – well, maybe on the bitch who keeps wearing the awful KMart perfume. Thank you for reminding me of why I will never be pregnant again. Thinking of you – I hope you get to that wonderful labor and delivery part soon (I’m one of those weirdos, too!)! 🙂

    Kat

    1. I could count on one hand the people I’d wish it on and they are some very bad people 🙂 You are very welcome for the reminder and I continue to wonder why I voluntarily did this a second time–in what world did I think this pregnancy would be any different? Good for you for recognizing the truth 🙂 Thank you for reading and I’m glad I’m not the only one who likes labor and delivery, lol

  13. I feel ya ladies. I’m not packin’ anymore (thank you Jesus) but I remember, Oh do I remember. I actually was pregnant with twins. (now 8 months old and mobile *shudder*) I opened the door for UPS when I was about 6 months along. He jumped back and screammed “Whoa” when my ENORMOUS belly poked out of the door. I took my damned Amazon boxed and signed, FUCK YOU!!! on his stupid electronic signature thingy. My belly was epic, but WTF?!

    1. Oh my gosh, you made me pee my pants a little when I read your story, lol! Why can’t people keep their commentary to themselves–because they’re fucktards, that’s why 🙂 Good luck with mobile twins–I think I’d be doing a lot of drinking…

  14. Acne. And back acne. And neck acne. And chest acne. Acne so bad my own mother gasped at the sight of it. Acne so bad my best friend spent her wedding day putting makeup on her pregnant matron of honor’s back to cover it all up. If I heard “A girl steals your beauty” one more time, I’d be serving 10 years somewhere.

    1. Ugh, and I though the little bit on my face was bad–yours was just ridiculously unfair! And I hate that saying about girls because my little boy is making me look like a zombie. I think you win with the acne because that just sucks.

  15. Thank god for garbage disposals – WAY better for puking into than the toilet.

    I had gestational diabetes. I ate so many fucking nuts. I never wanted to see another nut again. But I kept my blood sugar in conrol and had a normal sized baby.

    1. I am sooooo jealous you have a garbage disposal!!!!!! I started puking into a bucket because I couldn’t stand the smell of the toilet. I’m also sorry you had GD–I’ve heard that is no fun at all and if I had to eat nuts, I’d have to hurt someone because I hate them. Thank God for labor and delivery–the answer to every pregnancy woe! Thank you for sharing 🙂

  16. Excellent rant my friend – I wasn’t blogging when I was pregnant with the twins, but this makes me wish I had been! Near the end of my 7th month I was put on bed rest and advised to definitely not stand up, try not to sit up much, and then the twins started putting too much strain on my vena cava and when I lie down I would experience a racing heart, shortness of breath, and tingling in my left arm. FREAKED the hell out of me the first time- I seriously thought I was having a heart attack until I sat up – and everything went away – they I lay down, and they all came back.
    Doctor’s advice: it will go away after you give birth – try not to lay down.
    I couldn’t stand, sit, and now I couldn’t lay down! I asked if she expected me to levitate – and she just laughed and said to give it a try.

    I would love it if you linked up with the Pity Party blog hop this month! It’s open today through next Wednesday! 🙂

    1. Thanks so much for reading! Bed rest would drive me INSANE and then to have the doctor tell you that you can’t sit, stand, or lay…yeah, OKAY…and they went to school for how long to prescribe that advice? I linked up at the Pity Party and grabbed your button–I’m also a new follower (loved your “homeschooling” post :). Thanks again!

  17. How about the reflux? It was so bad with preggo # 2 that every time he would kick I would vomit in my mouth a little bit. Every freaking time! To say nothing of attempting to bend down and tie my shoes. I would go with flip flops just for that reason. In addition, sleeping on a slant was a good time. I would wake at the bottom of the bed in a sea of pillows. Finally I just slept in the recliner and my butt would be numb. No win situation.

    And what the hell happens to ones filter? How is brutal honesty in pregnancy a good evolutionary trait?

    1. I’ve been fortunate enough to escape the reflux–I just have an overly acidic stomach that adds to the nausea 🙁 It’s a no win situation that sucks. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that and hope you never have to do it again 🙂 And the filter thing–I’ve been trying to figure that out because all I keep doing is scaring the crap out of my friends, lol

  18. The boob thing might be Reynauds syndrome, I have it. I had it before babies and told my doc about but it wasnt until my midwife heard my symptoms that she knew what it was. If you look on jack newmans website I believe b vitamins might help. Or never being cold umm yeah, I live in canada, so almost as easy as staying warm in Chicago . G ood luck!

    1. I can’t believe it may actually be something that is not pregnancy related! I’m going to go do some research–thank you!!! As for keeping warm-yeah, I think you have it worse in Canada 🙂 Good luck to you!

  19. I had a relatively easy pregnancy (sorry…) but perfume was guaranteed to make me vomit, from week 6 when I found out I was preggers, up until week 41 when I was induced. I had a co-worker that would bathe in some indescribable stench – I’m sure she bought it at Kmart or Pamida. Our weekly meetings were miserable, because no matter how many times I made mention of perfume making me nauseous, no matter how many meetings I had to bolt out of to run to the ladies room, she never let up. It finally got to the point that I’d come in to the meeting early, but not sit down until Deb arrived, so I could make sure to sit at the opposite end of the conference table from her.
    You have no idea how tempting it was to just puke on her. God, it would have been worth the embarassment of puking in front of my boss.

    1. No one should have to pregnancy-puke, so you don’t have to apologize for being able to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. But really, I totally would have puked on that bitch’s shoes 🙂 Kudos to you for keeping control

  20. What about the swelling? Oh the swelling! I drank so much water to keep the swelling at bay, which really only made me pee every hour. The best part is when the swelling turns into pitted edema and you live with semi-permanent dents in your legs for 3 months. No shoes fit and wearing flip flops all the time to the corporate office becomes normal. Seriously, why the swelling?!

    1. OMG, I am soooooo sorry for you! I have been fortunate to dodge that bullet this time around, but had some during my first pregnancy though not at all like yours…swelling is right up there with puking, just why? Why, why, why?…It blows.

  21. I’m so sick of people telling me what I should name my kid. I’m going to be the one screaming her damn name for the next 20 years, I’m the one that needs to like it. Your opinion of my kid’s name means nothing. I’m the one yelling at her to get the dirt out of her mouth, or to stop biting the dog, not you. My grandmother is by far the worst offender. She thinks that because she’s older and ALL of the kids and grand kids are named after her that I owe her something. I got news Nana, it’s not about you, it’s about ME and MY little girl. Whew, third trimester rant over…

    1. Let it out, girl! Do people actually think we give a shit about their opinion when we’re the ones going through hell to carry the child?! Nana can get over it because if you decide to name your little girl “Effin” just so that you can laugh every time you scream, “Where are you, you Effin child” that is your prerogative 🙂

  22. Two HG pregnancies, yep…I’ve been there. SUCKS! The worst is the “have you tried ginger?” comments you get when you tell strangers (or friends) that you are so nauseous. Ginger, riiiight.

    1. Yeah, ginger and Sea Bands. If I EVER even SMELL gingerale again I may turn into The Hulk and smash the world for such a useless beverage. They just don’t get it…but then we’re supposed to feel sorry for them if they get the flu…get over it

  23. Oh Lord. I feel your pain. I will be 38 weeks on 2/2 and I just want to shoot myself. I don’t want to eat, all I want is to chew ice cubes and sip water. Which leads to peeing every 10 minutes. I feel so rediculously handicapped because I can’t do ANYTHING without having contractions! UGH! Hang in there.

    -Amy

  24. I’d add that I now have cellulite covering my body, including my shins and earlobes. Happy pregnancy.

  25. “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” Click click BOOM mutha fuckaaaaaaaaa! I swear if ONE MORE barista, waitress, bank teller, check out chick, bus driver, postal worker, retail salesperson, fucking random passerbyer, says this to me i’m going to get veeeeeeeery fucking violent! My filter is well and truly gone. I feel your pain Jacki-O!!!!

  26. Funny and true. Although I would say that you did miss something…the constant leakage and swamp crotch to put it nicely!

    Thanks for referencing me, too! I love it!

    Oh, the co-worker comment now it is, “Every day you get bigger and bigger. You might give birth right now.” I wish I could say, “Fuck you, what’s your excuse because I’m pregnant.”

    1. Ah, yes, swamp crotch–PERFECT name for it…it’s just nasty. I had to reference you because you’ve been one of my bitching buddies through both pregnancies. And, that co-worker is soooooooooo going to get hers 😉

    2. N.G. – LMAOO! Swamp crotch!! Love it! For the past 6 months – I was trying to find the perfect way to explain this grossness and that is the perfect way to say it!! And yes…the co-workers – the ones that tell you in the bathroom that they are suprised you didnt use the the handicapped stall because its bigger!!! I wish I could have told her to go fuck herself right then and there but I was still trying to get my jaw off the ground. Stupid bitch!

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